Wednesday @ Wednesday, January 26, 2011
The scars you can't see are the hardest to heal. ~Astrid Alauda
I am a part of all that I have met. ~Alfred Lord Tennyson
(i am the cause of all this agony felt by the people around me)
i realised, what you said , bout me . that i cant live without attention from pple around me is true for the part of malice.. Now. that i have realised it, the amount of hatred for i have for myself increased.tremendously. For, its too late , i have done so much damaged to everyone around me. therefore. malice should never be forgiven. Nor , cared for. Cause you see, she can only inflict pain, in all sorts of ways . just so, to give it back to the people whom had either hurt her before, or maybe the unfortunate ones . that bumped into her. She probably, never ever stop doing it , cause love is just an illusion to her , something she doesnt believe in .... something that does not exist in her dictionary . She, i cannot control.
" You can't wake a person who is pretending to be asleep. "
(maybe i cant be saved, for im still afraid to face the facts of what had happened)
meanwhile.
the other half of whats left of me.. the one u seen before. the real one . i could confirm. Dark perhaps? helpless in a way.fragile. brittle. May not believe much in love,but is just for protection.Due to the countless harm she received , that she know she cannot handle . someone afraid. afraid of getting herself in danger , that she locked herself up .. and rather being alone. she cries to herself, along the way home. crying became her lullaby to sleep. wishing she would not wake up the next day , right before she shuts her eyes .she`s the one that agrees 100percent-ly to Issey`s creation and yours truely `s favourite quote : " choose your time of death instead of letting it happen by accident. " inspired from "alone" by Edgar Allan Poe.
Yet, deep down inside , she knows inside her . she was still hoping for a saviour. she is still waiting for her salvation. The night , you said you would be her savior. she felt hope. yet , terrified, of what would happen to Malice. As all these years, she did not end her life, was also due to the presence of Malice with her hunger for revenge . what if anything backfires. what if i choose to disappear. would i be able to live on without her?
"Who is more foolish, the child afraid of the dark or the man afraid of the light?" ~Maurice Freehill
As a child, i did not receive the amount of care and concern , that what i think should be given , to make me live normally. Living in the dark. Had became my home. Maybe im just being that foolish. that im so used to myself being this way, tat im afraid of walking the path, u wanted to lit up for me.its a whole different world to me. i don`t think i am able to manage it. i know you`re disappointed , for i sound like im giving up on myself. Or maybe, i learning to accept myself being like this. . You see, Malice. i cant control.She taking over me. would just equals to you getting hurt.
Others may say , im dumb. and its not right to be revengeful. but what reasons to do they have to say such words, when in the first place they know nothing about me at all?
Malice, is keeping me alive. Yet , is hurting others around me.
i dont deserve any much concerns .
cause , i brought upon pain onto others. just like how i felt mine.